As you can see I was so ugly when I was born that the midwife slapped my father - in fact, I'm a war baby, when my parents first saw me they started fighting. Luckily I grew up {well nearly} to be an enigma. {or did I mean enema } - I am an educated and intelligent alpha male with a capital A - I love women, respect and admire their gender - I have the values of medieval knights and the bushido code - I live my life by my values, needs and requirements {hard won in life } - I do not worry much of what others think, like, expect or demand - I have high moral ethics - I have high standards in all aspects of my life particularly personal hygiene - I am a light drinker only - do not smoke - {I don't do drugs - I get the same effect from standing up quick!}- do not drink beer or like football {the odd budweiswer out of the pool in the summer} - I am not looking for a housewife - I have a cleaner. I am an accomplished cook {actually, food has replaced sex in my life - now I can't even get into my own pants}- I want a relationship not because I think it's the right thing to do - I need it in my life - I am a tactile, loving and understanding man. Steely eyed, concrete chinned, bronzed and wedge shaped -oops sorry - that's Superman - me though - I'm a tadge under 6 foot, slim {no beer belly!!} - keep reasonably fit - mountain bike, swim, ski and sail, in fact I' m physically pfffft!!. {This is down to the 50 push ups I do each day- none of them are intentional, I just fall down a lot}. I go to the gym regularly and they've just put this new machine in which is absolutely fantastic - I get a lot out of it - why just this morning I got a kit kat and a packet of M&M's - I'm not traditionally handsome {I think!} but rugged and interesting looking {a cross between Bradd Pitt and Pit Bull} - not so much Bruce Willis as Wincy Willis!!! - I'm often told I have a great smile and lovely blue eyes!!! {I was at the circus at the time, though!!} hmmmmm - I recently won Rear of the Year but it was my face I entered!. I have no children {I like children - so if you want to swap recipes.....if I want to hear the patter of tiny feet I' ll put shoes on the cat...} and I've got no baggage or hangups of any form. I'm early fifties {£49.95 plus VAT} but look younger and act even younger - luckily I still choose my breakfast cereal based on the toy inside not the fibre or fat content - { age is only important if you're cheese or wine or possibly a tree!}- at my age getting lucky means finding my car in the car park!! - I'm very good in bed, in fact you could say I'm the perfect lover but that's probably due to the fact that I speak French, have a five inch tongue and can breathe through my ears - funnily enough though, my ex wife said I was crap in bed but like I said, " Don't be daft - how can you tell in two minutes" I do come at things from an odd angle - I think that's what the accident report said but be warned I can be very extrovert and have an outrageous sense of humour - if it's funny I'll laugh - even if it's a dead baby joke {of which I know many} - for me there are few boundaries in all things - and when they are there I'll cross them anyway - I have an interesting background which I'll tell you some of when we know each other better but for now I retired to Spain in my mid forties where I now live.- sorry but I just can't stand that grey cold wet climate!. I have no religious affiliations but I have found Jesus - he was hiding behind the sofa all the time!! Actually my divorce was over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't!- seriously though, after all the new information I keep hearing daily concerning the Arabs,Palestinians, Afghans, etc., I have decided to search out my Islamic roots. From now on, please call me by my new Muslim name: O Seldom Bin Laid.
I like light hearted funny people who are not up themselves. I do not take life too seriously but think that whilst I only have one life it will be enough if I live it right and I try to. { I mean Earth has to be the insane asylum for the universe - why else would you find that all the scientists who are looking for intelligent life are pointing their instruments away from Earth??.} I tend at times to be an in your face person - not all people can deal with forthrightness but you will know where you stand with me. I hate the cliche but I do not suffer fools gladly. {unless they're funnier than me!} - I will not cheat, lie or steal from or to you - I am totally loyal and monogamous and value honesty and integrity above most things
OK - so - me - you - whipped cream - handcuffs - any questions?? - ..{think on it like this - Therapy is expensive - poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose}. I wake happy and go to sleep happpppppy - and laugh in between - most things make make me happy - getting out of the pool in August when its 37deg and having an ice cold budweiser - a yacht heeled over with the wind a'beam - getting off the ski lift for the first run - long Sunday lunches at the Chinese with friends - now sad I don't do - a lot could make me sad if I wished to think on it but I don't....... but somedays I think I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe - take today for instance - I went to the local bookshop and said to the the attractive young assistant " Do you keep Stationery?" Oh yes", she replied, "but only until the last minute and then I go absolutely frantic" - Ooh errr!! so then I go off to the local supermarket for my weekly shopping and was having my items run through the till. "One pork chop, one egg, one portion of chips, one bottle of wine, one packet of crisps and one tin of beans", says the lady at the checkout as she processes my items. "You are single aren't you?" the woman says. "Yes, I am, Did you guess by looking at my groceries?" I enquired. "No its because you're an ugly b****d." - anyway the good news is that the psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite people when I'm startled. Then I thought I'd go and join Paranoia Anonymous - but the swines won't tell me where they meet.......I knew it was going to be a bad day when I woke up in the gutter!!
Ok so that's the good news {honest!!} so I've kept the worst to the last - {I'm not really that daft!}
I do have a couple of serious problems which I realise might put you lovely ladies off from replying - I've tried getting professional help but they say that science isn't that far advanced yet - I'm embarrassed to admit it here but I do like some of Chris DeBurgh's music - stop laughing!!.. Now!! - but it gets even worse. I recently had to go into hospital for a minor inner ear operation, when I came out of the anaesthetic I said to the Surgeon - " Will I be able to listen to some Leonard Cohen?". " Good God Man", he screamed, " we've just operated on your ear - we've not given you a frontal lobotomy!!
I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it - and I'm not a complete idiot - some parts of me are missing - Well, my medication is starting to wear off now and I've got to go especially as although I'm slim there is a fat person inside of me trying to get out so I'm going to sedate him with some chocolate - it appears to work..So you might think I'm totally out of my mind at the moment - but please feel free to leave a message....
Somewhere public and safe so I can be assured that you're not an axe wielding, pyschopathic, serial murdering rapist - a mans got to feel safe - but if you were it would be fun!!!
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